A friend posted this and I thought it quite apt, so I’d also like to apply…….
Dear Prime Minister & Home Secretary,
I hope this letter finds you well, fully caffeinated, and in possession
of a calculator.
I’m writing with what I believe is a modest, fiscally responsible
proposal. I understand the Government is offering up to £40,000 to
certain individuals to voluntarily leave the United Kingdom. First of
all — bold strategy. Nothing says “strong borders” quite like a
cashback scheme.
Now, I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fully tax-paying,
law-abiding British citizen. I know — awkward. I appreciate this may
disqualify me from the premium exit package, but I’m willing to
negotiate.
I would like to formally apply for £35,000 to leave.
You see, unlike some applicants, I haven’t broken any laws to get here.
I didn’t arrive by dinghy. I didn’t require processing, housing, or
legal appeals. I’ve actually been funding the whole operation through
PAYE for years — which I believe makes me a loyal shareholder in this
enterprise.
Given that you’re prepared to offer £40,000 for someone to depart
voluntarily after entering illegally, I feel £35,000 for someone who’s
been here legally all along represents excellent value for money. Think
of it as a “Buy British, Get One Gone” discount.
For £35,000 I will:
• Leave quietly.
• Not require a press conference.
• Not demand a diversity officer to wave me off.
• Even carry my own suitcase to the airport.
I may also tweet a polite thank-you note on departure, praising the
efficiency of the scheme.
Frankly, it feels like I’ve misunderstood how incentives work in modern
Britain. All these years I thought obeying the law, paying taxes, and
contributing to society were the winning strategy. Turns out the real
pro-move is to arrive unlawfully and wait for a loyalty bonus.
Who knew?
While British families are juggling rent, energy bills, and the weekly
food shop like contestants on a dystopian game show, it’s reassuring to
know the Treasury has located a spare £40,000 per head for voluntary
goodbyes.
May I ask — is there a points card? Ten years of National Insurance
contributions and I get a free exit bonus? If so, I believe I’m
overdue.
In the spirit of fairness and fiscal responsibility, I am not even
asking for the full £40,000. I’m trimming £5,000 off to help balance
the books. That’s the kind of responsible budgeting I was raised on.
If successful, I promise to:
• Leave via a scheduled flight (economy is fine).
• Not stage a protest on the runway.
• And refrain from re-entering on a small boat to see if I qualify
twice.
All I ask is equal treatment. If departure is now a funded career
pathway, I would very much like to submit my CV.
Yours in hopeful relocation,
A slightly confused taxpayer!